Feelings

Feb. 2nd, 2013 01:20 am
gswagon: (Default)
Just how could I miss and love someone this much whom I’ve never even spoken to and probably never will in my life. Humans are seriously such weird creatures with our feelings and all. You tell me why The Official Pimp of Korea.
Why.
Is it bad to still have the slightest hope in the back of my mind? That we could have a chance? I feel as if you’re waiting for something or someone to come into your life to help you and inspire you. I feel as if that’s me for some reason? It’s probably just my wishful thinking though.
No matter what, i’m going to try my hardest to become the best actress I can possibly be. Just to meet you. You’ve inspired me so much. You’ve gotten me this far in life.
I wish I was more like you. I need to motivate myself more.  I get depressed trying to accept the fact that there’s a high possibility that i’ll never be able to meet you. See you.
I just want a chance. That is all i’m asking for in life.
 A chance with You.
I think it was a terrible idea for me to listen to an “inspirational video” because it makes me remember why i’m alive. Because of You.

I’ve truly tried so much to get rid of you from my life, but no matter what I do, I know it won’t work. The reason I want to live? You. The reason I found out what I want to do in life? You.
You’re so fucking inspirational and I’m NOTHING just nothing. I feel like that’s all i’ll ever be. Nothing.
I just need you in my life. A life without you is like an imprisonment for life. An extinction from the world to the point where I’d go crazy. Your existence is a chronic disease, a repetition of pain. You’re a lingering attachment to my heart. The greatest pain to me is the fact that you don’t know I exist. I’m happiest when I’m dreaming, because you’re by my side. Don’t go, don’t leave me.
I’m worried, I feel anxiety because I cant get close to try to talk to him. I spend every long night by myself just trying to erase my thoughts about them but I cant because they’re the reason I’m fucking alive and every time I do I hear sirens in my head of the ambulances when I really wanted to die.
I wish I could just leave and move on from them but at the same time if I did I’d know id have no regrets but its physically fucking impossible for me not to love them or get away from them.
I can bear it, I can stand it in some ways, I know I can, I should be looking only at the good memories. I should be happy shouldn’t I? Day by day I become more upset. Wanting to die. Over You.
The more I think of the past memories the more I look into “Our” past. I should always be happy with your existence, shouldn’t I? Please live well as if I should feel jealous. You’re like the bright sky and clouds, YOU WON’T GO AWAY. But please, smile.
I should stop looking back and I should stop loving you. Because I have no regrets from loving you.

Most of all what I’m thankful for.
You make me feel like a person.
Like I’m actually alive.
gswagon: (Default)
So, today I met another person from the internet in real life. Actually the 3rd person. And I must say, despite the short meet, he is honestly my favourite.
We met at a small bistro in the Eaton Centre. I forgot the name but it was Italian on the 3rd floor. I don't think I can even begin to explain how nervous I was getting. My anxiety was reacting the night before and I had to call 3 of my friends to actually calm myself down. I had to take Benylin night time to fall asleep. I was literally crying for around half an hour before I passed out. But, regardless. I had an absolute amazing time. Dan was around 45 minutes late because he had to drive his sisters around. REGARDLESS THOUGH YEAH OK so right before my mom let us go spend time together, she gave me money because Dan kept offering to take me shopping. We ended up seeing a movie instead. Hansel and Grettle. (TERRIBLE BUT HE PICKED IT AND REGRETTED IT SO QUICKLY. No big deal though, our choices were actually only MAMA (horror) and this one. We were getting rushed so he just picked this one. Whatevever. We wanted the 6:15 show but the girl gave us the 7:35 show. We didn't look at the times on the paper before we actually went into the waiting area, I don't know what to call it honestly. But yeah, we had to wait 1 1/2 hours. We got to talk about a lot of things and he listened to everything I had to say. (which honestly makes me beyond happy) I don't have many people like that in my life who listen to me. I usually listen to others. I hate being the therapist of the friends. We talked quite a bit during the movie and complained too. I couldn't handle how absolutely terrible that movie was. THE KIDS DID NOT EVEN GET FAT. It was basically like the remake of Romeo and Juliet but with Hansel and Grettle. What ever though. It was 9:15 when the movie ended. The movie theatre was actually 1 1/2 blocks away from the mall we were at. It was -5 out so to me that wasn't a big deal, (I didn't bring a coat because I didn't expect us to be leaving the mall honestly!) but yeah. On the way out it became like.. -15 and he gave me his jacket to wear and ACTUALLY LIKE PUT IT ON ME DO YOU KNOW HOW SWEET THAT IS LIKE HE HELD IT OUT FOR ME TO GET MY ARMS AND I JUST ALSDJAIOSD YOU PERFECT MAN IM GOING TO DIE. And yeah, talked a lot back on the way to the bistro my mom was waiting for us at. Turns out the stores actually shut down at 7:00 and we thought it would close just at 9:00 but now I feel bad! My mom had to wait 2 hours for us, ugh.
We talked for around 30 minutes more then decided to part our ways. We took pictures of us together, but honestly he doesn't look the absolute best in photos aha, but he's so god damn attractive in real life, DUDE HES 6'4 I WANTED TO DIE AND I JUSTHSADKJHSUIFH IASDIJFOSDJOIFSDJIOS PERFECT BOY LITERALLY (◕︿◕✿) I gave him the absolute biggest hug possible and asked to see him again on Monday or even tomorrow if he's free. I just want him to know how much his existence means to me. He's basically an idol to me and it hurts knowing that he could be ... sick. Very sick.

When we got into the taxi on the way home I actually broke into tears while talking to my mom about him. I legit could not stop crying. God knows how I'm going to react when I have to leave Toronto lol. He's my happiness. Honestly. I don't want to leave it.

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February 2013

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