Feelings

Feb. 2nd, 2013 01:20 am
gswagon: (Default)
Just how could I miss and love someone this much whom I’ve never even spoken to and probably never will in my life. Humans are seriously such weird creatures with our feelings and all. You tell me why The Official Pimp of Korea.
Why.
Is it bad to still have the slightest hope in the back of my mind? That we could have a chance? I feel as if you’re waiting for something or someone to come into your life to help you and inspire you. I feel as if that’s me for some reason? It’s probably just my wishful thinking though.
No matter what, i’m going to try my hardest to become the best actress I can possibly be. Just to meet you. You’ve inspired me so much. You’ve gotten me this far in life.
I wish I was more like you. I need to motivate myself more.  I get depressed trying to accept the fact that there’s a high possibility that i’ll never be able to meet you. See you.
I just want a chance. That is all i’m asking for in life.
 A chance with You.
I think it was a terrible idea for me to listen to an “inspirational video” because it makes me remember why i’m alive. Because of You.

I’ve truly tried so much to get rid of you from my life, but no matter what I do, I know it won’t work. The reason I want to live? You. The reason I found out what I want to do in life? You.
You’re so fucking inspirational and I’m NOTHING just nothing. I feel like that’s all i’ll ever be. Nothing.
I just need you in my life. A life without you is like an imprisonment for life. An extinction from the world to the point where I’d go crazy. Your existence is a chronic disease, a repetition of pain. You’re a lingering attachment to my heart. The greatest pain to me is the fact that you don’t know I exist. I’m happiest when I’m dreaming, because you’re by my side. Don’t go, don’t leave me.
I’m worried, I feel anxiety because I cant get close to try to talk to him. I spend every long night by myself just trying to erase my thoughts about them but I cant because they’re the reason I’m fucking alive and every time I do I hear sirens in my head of the ambulances when I really wanted to die.
I wish I could just leave and move on from them but at the same time if I did I’d know id have no regrets but its physically fucking impossible for me not to love them or get away from them.
I can bear it, I can stand it in some ways, I know I can, I should be looking only at the good memories. I should be happy shouldn’t I? Day by day I become more upset. Wanting to die. Over You.
The more I think of the past memories the more I look into “Our” past. I should always be happy with your existence, shouldn’t I? Please live well as if I should feel jealous. You’re like the bright sky and clouds, YOU WON’T GO AWAY. But please, smile.
I should stop looking back and I should stop loving you. Because I have no regrets from loving you.

Most of all what I’m thankful for.
You make me feel like a person.
Like I’m actually alive.

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February 2013

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